The Brokenness of Recovery

Take a minute to feel everything - the discomfort, the disappointment, the anger, and the shame. Feel it. Feel the sensations in your physical body - the way the emotion ignites in your chest and rushes throughout your body, like the ocean's tide rising. Just like a high tide, our feelings always recede, the emotion passes, and we survive - we make it through the wave.

A large part of recovery is sitting with that discomfort and watching the wave of emotions pass. The process of unlearning those deep rooted beliefs which we lived by for so long will probably lead to days where you feel you’ll have no idea who you’ve become. For me personally, there were moments when I looked in the mirror and it was like I couldn’t recognize the person starting back at me. For so long I was terrified of accepting full recovery because in my mind that would be like letting go of who I was at my most inner core. You see, I thought the self-criticism made me constantly work harder, that the names I called myself pushed me to do - and be - my absolute best.

Perhaps you’ve thought similar thoughts about yourself?

But the truth was that I was a bully - both the aggressor, and yet the victim.

In recovery, we hear a lot about self-compassion. Remember that phrase maybe you learnt in elementary school: “treat others the way you want to be treated?” Well get ready for “treat yourself the way you treat others.” One lesson that my psychiatrist taught me, was to think about yourself as a person who you love dearly. Whether it be a friend, family member or pet - think about how you might give them praise or criticism. Does this align with how you critique yourself?

Recovery isn’t simply about letting go of unsustainable behaviors and thoughts, but cultivating and harnessing them in a self-compassionate way that fosters growth. There will always be moments when we feel as though we are broken - and it’s okay to feel that way, but it is important to realize that you can be whole and still be in the process of discovering bits and pieces of yourself. You can feel lost, but still find your way. You can feel broken, but still be actively growing. Because saying yes to recovery is saying yes to discomfort. It’s sitting in that brokenness, and in our growth - all while having hope, and knowing that there will be freedom on the other side.

- Victoria L.