Navigating Triggers & Boundaries in Recovery Relationships

It can be a challenge to navigate the intensity of not feeling "sick enough," especially around others who are facing similar struggles with an eating disorder or disordered eating. Sometimes people share what feels like (and can be) unnecessary details about their struggles and this can be triggering for a number of reasons.

But how do we navigate that situation?

Self-Reflection

Is there identifiable work to do within yourself? Maybe, maybe not.

Sometimes noticing our triggers can provide us with information to explore and process, which can help us in our own healing journey.

This is not to say that your triggers and the feelings that come up around them aren't valid - you still might need to set a boundary, but your response to how someone interacts with you (or how you interact with them) is the only thing you have control over and responsibility for.

Understanding (Without Excusing) Validation Seeking

Often, if someone is making triggering statements or seeking validation that they are indeed "sick enough," their eating disorder feels highly threatened.

This does not excuse the behaviour, particularly if people have the capacity to be aware of what they are doing and it's a repeated pattern, but it does help offer explanation for the unhealthy communication style and lack of awareness if the person is in a threatened state.

Determine your investment in the relationship

This is where we can employ interpersonal effectiveness skills (from DBT) to encourage direct communication and create any boundaries we may need.

First, we need to determine what our priority is in the interaction: the objective (the boundary, communicating how you feel), the relationship, or our self-respect (your values, etc.) Perhaps there are elements of each priority in how you want to approach the dynamic.

In this situation. determining how important the relationship is to you, is the first place to start.

Things to Consider when evaluating relationships

Can you unfollow this person or temporarily mute their stories and posts?

Can you avoid opening messages from them when you know they are struggling?

Is this someone you want to continue to maintain a relationship with because you value them as a person and thus, a conversation is needed?

Is mutually struggling with the same issues the core of connection with this person or are there other valuable things about the relationship beyond a shared struggle?

Direct Communication

Being direct in our communication with someone can often feel intimidating, especially if we are conflict-avoidant.

Keep in mind that setting boundaries and clear communication actually help us to be in relationship with others and prevent the buildup of resentment that can destroy relationships.

Direct communication and healthy boundaries also hold ourselves and others accountable and capable of receiving feedback. It is more respectful than letting our own worry about causing upset dictate what we assume others are capable of handling.

Examples of Direct Communication When Relationship Effectiveness is the Priority:

“Hey, I'm just noticing that you have been sharing more specific details lately and I'm conscious that I'm having a reaction to that. I obviously cannot know your intention for sharing, but I just wanted to check-in with you to share what I am feeling and ask if there is a part of you that is sharing these things with me because you are really struggling with not feeling 'sick enough'?"

“I know the pain of never feeling valid enough and I understand you are struggling, but I cannot validate you - only you can validate yourself. I know that feels impossible right now, but you deserve support and sadly no one can make you feel deserving of that, we can only remind you that we love you and are here for you in the ways we can be.”

Examples of Direct Communication When Objective Effectiveness is the Priority:

“I know you're struggling, but I would appreciate if you didn't share specific details about your health or behaviours with me.”

“I would appreciate if you didn't send me things like that (cite specific example).”

Note - When the objective is the priority, it is important to state a consequence (e.g. I am not going to engage with you if you send me those things) and uphold that boundary.

Examples of Direct Communication When Self-Respect Effectiveness is the Priority

“I want to be supportive to you in the ways I can, but I also want to honour my own needs and not reinforce that "not feeling sick enough" narrative that we all feel, so I would appreciate if we could not engage in this way, etc.” (propose terms and work with the other person to see what is reasonable.)

Let Go of What You Cannot Control

Direct communication and boundary setting can be incredibly uncomfortable, especially if you typically avoid "conflict," people-please, and fear people being potentially "upset" with you.

Remember, you are allowed your boundaries, regardless of how another person may react to them and vice versa.

As uncomfortable as they are, boundaries help you be in relationship with people and, most importantly, yourself.